| [ |
mood |
| |
 sympathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Darren Hayes :: Lost Without You |
] |
[Private.]
I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. It seems like whenever I have a bad day and just assume the worst, he pops up out of the blue and makes me feel like a complete and total jerk. Not that I need help in that department, apparently.
He was shot weeks ago, and of course, I didn't know. He said it was because he didn't want to see the look on my face, which I took to me he didn't want to upset me. Sweetness aside, since I do fine that sweet in a way, and a good sign, it worries me. I want to know when something like that happens. If anything worse were to happen to him, I'd have no way of knowing at all. Sure, I know both of his cousins now, but they didn't tell me anything. In Leila's defense, I've only met her once, and she has no idea I'm dating seeing in a confusing relationship with in love with him. As for Dari... From what I gathered, they have a rather strained relationship at best, so maybe she doesn't even know. Point is, no one even really knows enough about our relationship to know to call me. Not to my knowledge, at least. I won't ever know unless he shows up weeks later and I nag him enough to get him to tell me. I does nothing at all to calm my nerves. I'm going to worry so much more now that before, if that's even possible. And he could be stuck in a hospital bed while I'm sitting at home, being selfish and whiny about not seeing him.
I will say this though: I think a lot of it had to do with the circumstances, but we barely fought this time. Both of us just... held back. We didn't want to fight, which is weird. For us, anyway. I just didn't feel like wasting time I could be spending with him bickering over something that's not going to ever get resolved, because both of us are too stubborn. And I like to think that's why he didn't argue either. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I'd like, so why spoil that? I can count the number of times I've seen him in the last.. almost year since we've been... whatever we are on two hands.
...Is it sad that I haven't even attempted to move on? Pathetic that I already love the guy? True, I've known him a while now, but I haven't seen him very often at all.
Frankly, I'm sick of analyzing it, but my head won't stop it. I'm sick of having doubts in my head that don't need to be there. Actions speak louder than words, which is a warning label that he needs to come with. I'm just going to keep myself occupied, and just take it day by day, even through the bad days. Yay for me being a trooper. I wish that this was as hard on him as it is on me, but somehow I know it's not. I managed to stick to my promise to myself, and I didn't say 'I love you', but now I just keep wondering if he even noticed, or if he even cared.
Ugh. I need to turn off my brain.
[End Private.]
I love my job to no end, but some of the down sides kind of suck. Being a model, they don't really want you to have tattoos, and if you do, like myself, you have to have them in places that can be easily hidden. I keep wanting to get more, but I'm running out of places to get them. Well, I can think of a few places, but none where I want to have a tattoo.
I've got a photoshoot in New York really soon, and I'm thinking of taking the Harley instead of flying. Last time I did that was in February, and of course the surfing incident happened and I broke my wrist, so I couldn't drive it back. Here's to hoping that that doesn't happen again. I'm at least not planning on surfing, so we'll see.
|
determined
accomplished
silly
sad
exhausted
annoyed
amused
cheerful
bitchy
depressed
shocked
bored
disappointed